Things I Could Never Say
by MyImmortal329
Summary: The week before Katie Sully's wedding, she stumbles upon unread love letters from her parents' past and begins to relive the amazing, tumultuous journey of two soulmates. Upon doing so, she begins to make discovers about herself.
1. Chapter 1

**Things I Could Never Say**

**Written by, Julie Griffith and Ashley J.**

**Written December 18-, 2005**

**Chapter One**

As his carriage pulled away, Katie brought her fingers to her lips, still tinged from the bite of his kiss. She now had a week to herself before the wedding, and she didn't even try to justify the rush of calm that swam over her, as he disappeared behind the plum trees that filled their front yard.

She turned back to the house, big and lonely. Everyone was gone, and her parents weren't scheduled to return until late that evening. Despite the fact that they had just returned from Wyoming less than a week ago from Sully's survey work, Sully and Michaela had turned around and had gone together to Denver for Michaela's latest medical conference. Katie didn't really understand them most of the time. That kind of devotion to one single person confused her—she reveled in her time alone when Roger had to leave.

The sun hit the diamond on her finger creating light beams. She walked up the porch steps, getting out of the sun. There was so much to do, but she had the sudden urge to jump on Midnight and let everyone else fuss and fawn over the wedding without her. She'd just assume show up for the ceremony.

She sighed, knowing her mother would wring her neck if she hadn't gone through some of the "to do" list before they got back. She walked inside, slamming the door behind her. She grabbed the list off of the dining room table.

1. Air out the wedding dress.

So it wasn't all torture. She loved her mother's wedding dress—the pictures of her and Colleen were exquisite. And being a girl wasn't so bad. Sometimes. She would never want to dance in buckskins, that was for sure.

She mounted the stairs and raced into her parents' room. The tall pine wardrobe stood there waiting for her. The dress was in there somewhere; she just wasn't sure where. She opened the doors and peered inside. Fine dresses were mixed with regular day dresses, and to top that, the few extra clothes that her pa donned were mixed with her ma's nightgowns. "Good grief," Katie exhaled, as she began to dig through the wardrobe.

Finally, in the very back, she found the large white box pressed standing upright against the wood. Carefully, she opened the lid and lifted the tissue paper encrusting the dress. The dress had lost some of its brilliance, but it was still beautiful. The lace was in tact, and she lifted the dress up, pressing it to her body.

Suddenly, a pack of papers flew down from the front gathering and slid across the floor. She stared at the carefully tied pack of letters, in tact but dated with a yellow tinge, almost forgotten, unlike the dress. She bent down and slowly picked it up. Just as she was about to put the bundle back where it belonged, she saw a name on the front in her mother's handwriting.

Sully, it said. Just Sully. Nothing more, nothing less.

Without thinking, Katie slid the first letter out from under the twine that bound them together. It was sealed shut. She looked to her father's nightstand, remembering that he sometimes kept his gutting knife and tomahawk there, so she quickly walked over and opened the drawer, finding a blunt instrument that would slice through the top of the letter without ripping it.

Just as she was about the throw the knife back in the drawer, she spotted his worn copy of Walt Whitman's _Leaves of Grass_. She smiled to herself and picked it up. She flipped through it nonchalantly, but then stopped as she noticed her father's handwriting on every single page, between every single line.

She stared at the open letter in her hand and the book filled with her father's words. Were these what she thought they were? She plopped down on the ground, her feet spread out in both directions, and she leaned against the bed, as she pulled out her mother's letter. The paper crinkled under her touch, and she squinted to read the beautiful curves of her mother's handwriting.

"Mama," she breathed softly. Did she really want to read whatever her mother had to say to her father that could only be said on paper? She wasn't sure it was right, but she couldn't tear her eyes away. She had the courage of both of her parents and the strong curiosity of her mother. She couldn't not read it!

"Dear Sully," she began, "the first time I saw you, I didn't know what to think. I think, in my heart, your eyes were the bluest I had ever seen, and as I stared into them, I didn't know how to feel or think. My heart pounded like it never had before, and I tried to pass it off as fear. After all, our first meeting involved a soldier, and Indian Chief and a growling wolf that scared the daylights out of me. I didn't know what to make of you, and when Charlotte pulled me away, I couldn't help but want to stay and speak with you." Her eyes scanned over the words again. Was she actually reading about her parents' first meeting? Was it really as…as frightening as her mother made it sound?

She took a deep breath and glanced back down at the page to continue on. "Being new in town was difficult, and Charlotte was the only one who would accept me." Charlotte. She smiled sadly. Brian, Colleen and Matthew's mother had been someone she had learned about from early on. She only wished that she could have met her. She sounded like a wonderful woman. She already knew how much she had done for her mother, and how her death and changed her life completely. "Just knowing that I had one person on my side was enough to keep me going, and when you offered to let me rent your homestead, I felt a sense of security in knowing that you seemed to be on my side too. Not very many people would offer to rent their home to a woman doctor from Boston. You'll never know how grateful I feel for that. The house is small but beautiful, and when it's not full of smoke from the oven after my sad attempts to cook, it's filled with the faces of Charlotte's children; my children." She laughed a little. She had never known her mother to be bad at cooking, though her siblings certainly had stories, some of which she never could have believed. But, she knew her mother well enough to know that she adapted well to many things. Katie sighed. She only hoped that she could adapt to being a married woman and everything that came along with it.

"Taking the children on has been difficult, but we've managed, and it was especially frustrating at the beginning. When Brian ran away, I had never been more terrified. You don't know how much it meant to me, when you agreed to help me look for him. I wish I could have fully expressed my gratitude to the Cheyenne for agreeing to help me. I was lost and confused and in desperate need of something solid in my life. I felt as if I was standing on a precipice with no place to go except forward and straight down." Katie sucked in a sharp breath, her mother's words rolling around in her head. Standing on a precipice…

"I hadn't shared such close quarters with a man before, and when I was put into that situation, I didn't know how to act. But, you eased my worries and were a complete gentleman. For that, I am grateful, because the sheer vulnerability I felt that night may have caused me to give in to whatever feelings came over me." She suddenly felt as if she was an intruder in a very private conversation. Thinking of her mother, her proper Boston mother writing out her feelings for a man she barely knew made her scratch her head. She knew her mother was very traditional in the sense that she waited until her wedding night before ever being intimate. But, she never thought of her mother actually having had these burning, innermost thoughts like the ones she had written on the paper she had sealed away. "I found you handsome and sweet and very honorable that night, and I appreciated your kindness and courtesy. I only hope that someday I'll be able to repay you for helping me save Brian's life." It was hard to believe that her big brother had been such a little mischief-maker. She had always known him as the goofy older brother who was completely overprotective and independent. She had looked up to him for so long, though she always felt such a distance due to their age difference. Nevertheless, Brian was the sibling she was closest to.

"It's been a difficult year for us all, and your extended kindness to us all will not be forgotten. I'm sitting here, watching my children enjoy the Christmas presents you brought to them. I must say you brightened up the year just a little more. Brian is especially thankful. He has named the puppy Pup, and it's a joy to see him with a faithful companion." Her eyes stung, but not with tears. She felt awkward reading such a personal account of a life before hers. They were all there. Her entire family was there except for her. Why didn't it make any sense? Why couldn't she have such memories? All she knew was a life after the drama and angst. She knew a happy mother and father. She knew an older sister that she rarely saw. She knew two brothers who were already busy with their own lives, as she was just beginning hers. "I only wish you had stayed a bit longer. I've barely even begun to know the real you, and my heart wants to know more. I can't help but feel that there is so much about you that I need to know. You're the first man that I've even thought about so much since David. I'll never forget him, but I know he would want me to move on. Seeing you, knowing that you're grieving over Abagail and Hanna makes it all come together." The thought of a sister she never knew; another older sister made her sad. She was the first of Sully's birth children to survive; the second to be born. It made her feel almost guilty. Why was she able to be born and have a chance at life, while Hanna was taken away before her father could even hold her? "You're still mourning, and I should have moved on long ago. I know it's something we both need to do on our own. I know that you need a friend as much as I do. I only hope you'll see how much you mean to me, even though I'm not sure I'll ever find the courage or the words to tell you out loud. Michaela."

Katie's breath had caught several moments ago, and her eyes were glazed over with tears that had yet to be blinked away. She couldn't move. She couldn't believe that her mother had written such words so shortly after meeting the man she was destined to marry. Yes, her mother was certainly a romantic, but she never would have thought that Michaela would have dared to write such a thing. What if he had found this? What if he had read it? Would it have completely changed the course of their lives? Would they have ended up together sooner or even at all? Would Katie have even been born?

She shook her head, trying to compose herself, as she put the letter back in the envelope. She needed to compose herself somehow. So, she opened her father's book. She stared at it, realizing what her father had done. He had written a letter inside of a book. Had her mother known? She was doubtful. She wasn't sure how to take it all in, but she knew there was only one way to try.

"Dr. Quinn," Katie began reading indulgently, her eyes taking in her pa's hesitant penmanship, as he crossed out her mother's formal name and replaced it with, "Dr. Mike."

She leaned back against their bedside table, with her mother's wedding dress draped unceremoniously across her lap, and dozens of tied, sealed envelopes covering the white gown like snow on snow. She tucked herself underneath the dress, tying the letters back in their proper place, as she began to follow her father's words that ran directly above Walt Whitman's. Every free space was filled with his words, and they were all addressed to her mother.

"I should have stayed with you that first night." Katie read the first line and stopped, closing the book immediately. Her face felt warm, and she got up quickly, putting the book face down on her parents' well-made bed. She wasn't so sure anymore if she should be prying in their…his things. She turned to her mother's letters, so carefully penned, with only _his_ name on it. All closed, except for the first letter she had read. No, it hadn't been for her to read, but her mother's words touched her in ways she could hardly express. But her father… He had never been as verbose as her mother. He just said exactly what he meant and _that was it_. Would his entire book be filled with such simple, candid confessions? She bit her lip, curiosity taking its hold on her. What else could they write but never tell each other? She slowly walked back to the bed and picked up his book, turning back to the first page he had written. She sat down on the edge of the bed and began to read it again.

"I should have stayed with you that first night. I wanted to. But it was easier keeping a distance. I had to walk away, because when I saw you in my homestead, all I could think was thank God, thank God someone's home." She had never seen that home. She didn't know how to feel about that. It had been burned, like much of the past before she came along. She touched her father's handwriting. So much of his past had been burned, yet he picked up and continued to move on with such incredible resilience and loved them despite everything.

"It was only until I was halfway to the Reservation that I realized what I had done. I put me before you, because I was scared. I couldn't tell you that though. I didn't even tell myself," Katie read over his words twice. What had he done? His words were slightly obscure, not putting his grievances permanently on paper. She frowned and wondered. She had thought her father was perfect until the day she began to go courting. Then she discovered how stubborn and frustrating he could really be.

"But you came to me. We stayed in that teepee together. I knew then that it would have been alright for me to stay that first night." Katie swallowed. All the teepees around Colorado Springs were gone now. Something happened between them in a teepee, but there was no return to it. That moment was only captured in her pa's words. "Everyday after that, I made it a point to be closer to town, to the homestead, to you and the kids. You didn't always see me, but I was there. I'm still here, waiting for you." The passage wasn't dated, but she could feel every day he had waited for her.

Katie closed the book and sat back, astounded by her father's words. She didn't know if she dared to read another word without telling them. What would they think? Suddenly, she heard footsteps on the staircase, and she quickly tried to shove the letters under the bed, as she heard her named called out, "Kathy! Kathy? Where are you!" Her heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice. It was thick and rich with only the slightest hint of a Southern drawl. He had gotten that from his mother despite the fact that her life in New Orleans had been over a decade before he was born.

She pushed herself up and gathered the dress up. She took great care putting it back into the wardrobe, though the bundle of letters and her father's book remained only slightly hidden on the floor. She turned toward the door, her eyes waiting for his appearance.

"Kathy?"

"In here," her voice replied, not too loud but not quite soft enough. His footsteps grew more impatient, and he barreled through the open door, his dark brown eyes finding hers. She greeted him with a half-smile, her heart never too full to add more room for him. She reached out, and he came to her, pulling her into a friendly embrace, one that made her want to cry.

"Elijah? What's the matter?" she asked fretfully, her mother's tendency to worry showing that it had been passed on to her. "Is everything all right? You? Your parents?"

"We're fine," he replied. "I was only worried about you. I saw Roger pullin' away…"

"He has business," she replied. "He'll be back in time…"

"For the weddin'," Elijah replied, his eyes downcast. She smiled again, feeling her heart pound a little differently. She couldn't help but notice the flatness of his voice. She couldn't deny that he objected to her marriage, but she also knew that he wanted her to be happy. That's what she loved about Elijah. He was always there for her, and he supported her. He wanted her to be happy above all else, even if that meant sitting by and watching her marry a man he couldn't stand. "You're sure you haven't changed your mind?" Katie didn't roll her eyes like she usually did.

"I hope…I hope you'll learn to accept this, Elijah."

"I don't see it, Kathy. You know I don't." She nodded.

"I know you don't. We've seen things the same way…since we were toddlin' around, stealin' each other's toys." Elijah smiled a little and diverted his eyes to the floor, where he immediately saw the book and the bundle of letters, partially obscured under the bed.

"What's this?"

"Oh, uh…" Before she could finish her sentence, Elijah was stooping down to pick them up. Katie watched him, as his eyes studied the objects in his hands. He looked to her, and she smiled sheepishly.

"I take it these are your ma and pa's?" She nodded slowly.

"They fell out of the wardrobe, when I pulled my mother's dress out to air." Eli looked around, not seeing the dress. She fidgeted nervously before taking the bundle and book into her hands. She placed them down on the quilt that lay over her parents' bed, and she moved towards the wardrobe.

"Let's see it."

"The dress?" Her pulse quickened, and he studied her expression, a smile creeping up the corners of his mouth.

"Come on. As your best friend, I think I'm entitled." She nodded. It wasn't as if he was the groom. It still made her awkward to share such a private moment with a man who didn't want her spending the rest of her life with the man she was about to marry. Finally, she nodded and pulled the delicate garment from the wardrobe. Her eyes didn't meet his for a moment. She could hear him suck in a deep breath, and when she glanced at his face, the expression pained her.

"You don't like it?"

"It'll suit you," he replied. "But, I'm just wonderin' how you're going to keep it clean. Ya never were one to wear a dress more than five minutes without getting it dirty." Katie grinned a little and shook her head, taking the dress toward the window. She hooked it up to let the breeze air it out, and the sun caught the delicate stitches.

"That's probably because you were the one always dragging me through the mud."

"I think we have different memories, Kathy," he replied with a laugh. "I recall you doing most of the dragging." Katie turned her back to Elijah for a moment, looking down at the ring on her finger. It had been a long time since Roger had given it to her, and she still couldn't get used to the feel of it against her skin. She had never been the kind of girl who was dazzled by jewels or fancy things. She honestly didn't know why Roger wanted to marry her. She certainly hadn't made his pursuit of her very easy.

Elijah turned his attention back to the items he had picked up off of the floor. He now moved toward the bed and took the bundle into his hands. He noticed the broken seal on the first envelope, and his eyes glanced at the back of Katie's head. He smiled, knowing exactly what she had been doing. He knew her well enough to know that she was curious and always looking for adventure. Reading these had probably been too hard to pass up. But, he didn't want to tease her. Somehow, he knew it wasn't the time for that.

"What do you say we go into town and get some meatloaf from the café?" he suggested. When she turned, he winked. "I know the owner, after all." That brought a grin to her face, but she shook her head.

"I have so many things to do before the wedding." He nodded, backing down again.

"Well, I'll leave ya to it." He smiled at her, his eyes glassing over. She saw it and shuddered, as he tossed the bundle back onto the bed and started toward the hallway. She looked back down at the ring on her finger and to the letters on her parents' bed.

"Wait!"

"What?" Elijah stopped and smiled, keeping his back to her upon hearing the urgency in her voice.

Katie sauntered up behind him, forcing a bright smile on her face, and placed her head on his shoulder. She asked as sweetly as she could, "What are you up to today?"

Elijah raised his eyebrows and lowered his voice. "You tryin' to ask me somethin'?"

She pushed off his shoulder and sashayed in front of him, catching his skeptical eyes. "Well, I was thinkin'…"

He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "No way. I know that look."

Katie dropped her sweet smile immediately. "Elijah…"

"And don't you start poutin' either. That may work on Roger, but I know all your connivin' ways, and I am not committin' a federal crime with you."

She looked at him, completely shocked. "Who said_ anythin'_ about a federal crime?"

Elijah walked back to the bed and lifted the bundle in his hand. "Are these letters addressed to you?"

Katie examined them thoughtfully, an innocent expression donning her face. "I don't see any postmarks, do you?"

"Kathy!"

"I'm a result of these letters, Elijah. They haven't even been touched since they were written. This book… just look!" She picked it up and began flipping through page after page of Sully's words. "You can't even read Whitman's words, because my pa had so much to say. And it's all to my ma."

Elijah shook his head, obviously uncomfortable. "It's their private thoughts, Kathy."

"I think my pa loved her right away. Can you imagine loving someone that long and not sayin' a word?" Katie sat on the edge of the bed and opened the front page of the book. Her eyes scoured the pages, and she exhaled, showing Elijah the pages. "Isn't it incredible?"

However, he wasn't looking at the book. He was looking at her. "Yeah. It is."

"Come on. Read them with me." She pulled on his sleeve, cajoling his arm.

Elijah sighed. "Why?"

"Because… I can't explain it really. I just need to know what it was like, ya know? And I want to hear it from your voice." She held out her father's book and waited. He met her eyes slowly. He could fight her pout, but he could never deny those dark blue eyes.

He took the book and sat next to her on the bed. "Alright. You win. Where do we begin?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two 

A gust of late autumn wind stirred them off the bed, spurring Katie to take the wedding dress off of the hook above the open window. She pressed the dress to her body, protecting it from the elements. "I always forget October's chill!"

Rolling his eyes, Elijah was already halfway to the hearth with a fire poker in his hands. "Well, I sure _ain't _forgettin' it, my little poet! Close the window, girl!"

Katie turned around slowly and glared at him as he mocked her. "You don't have to be so testy."

"I'm cold, Kathy! You want me to catch my death?" Katie smiled wickedly and pushed open the window fully, letting the cold draft run through the room. Suddenly, she jumped up on the bed, dropping the wedding dress by her side. Elijah simply sat against the hearth and stared at her, knowing exactly what was coming next.

Her golden hair fell down wildly about her face, and she pointed at him, challenging him, as she recited from memory, "It's a rough journey, and a sad heart to travel it... We've braved its ghosts often together, and dared each other to stand among the graves and ask them to come...But Heathcliff, if I dare you now, will you venture? If you do, I'll keep you. I'll not lie there by myself: they may bury me twelve feet deep, and throw the church down over me, but I won't rest till you are with me. I never will!"

Slowly, Elijah stood and walked in front of her determined figure. "But we don't have to pretend we're on the English moors to read these. I can't be your Heathcliff, Kathy."

Katie frowned, Romantic notions filling her reality more than real life. "But I'm your Katherine."

Elijah stared at her, seeing such a contradiction of a girl and woman, who didn't understand what real love was, but could recite every line from her favorite novel and had been doing so since she could read. He had teased her constantly about her photographic memory, but now… It wasn't the same. "That's… that's different, and you know it." Elijah walked around to the opposite side of the bed and slammed the window shut. "Come on. Get off the bed. You're shivering."

He held out his hand, but Katie jumped to the floor without him. "I'm fine. You don't have to treat me like a helpless little girl. I'm still older than you, _my friend_."

"How could I ever forget that?" He dimpled at her, but she purposefully ignored him, as she walked in front of the fireplace and plopped down on the floor. Elijah meandered behind her, gauging her temperament. Finally, she piped up from her sullenness. "So are you going to read or not?"

Elijah raised his eyebrows and sat next to her obediently, feeling her frustration rolling off of her in waves. He didn't know what to say to her. He knew what he wanted to say to her, but at that moment, he thought it best to simply take the outstretched book and begin the second passage.

Elijah cleared his throat, stealing a glance at her, as she stared into the growing flames. "Dr Mike," he began, "I never saw anybody work so hard in my life. To gain people's respect, to be respectful. But when everyone got sick with the Grippe, you cared for everybody but yourself. I guess that's why I couldn't take my eyes off of you." Elijah looked up, but Katie was still looking deep into the orange flames. Katie could feel his eyes on her, as he paused for a moment, and she wondered, if this was what a stolen glance was, and if so, how many in her life had she missed?

He continued, "I was hard on you at first, I know, but I just knew you could do more. Certainty and trust are such strange things, and I know you rely on them more than anything. I don't know how I could ask you to trust me; to use the Cheyenne medicines, when I did everything in shadow." Katie's heart had been pounding since the first words that left Elijah's lips. Every word had been written with such care; such feeling. She had never known her father to be so uncertain before.

"A shadow…" Elijah swallowed, stopping, as he read a little bit ahead. Katie, feeling the silence, turned and frowned at him.

"What is it?"

"I don't know if we should read this out loud."

"You afraid?" She taunted him a little, but inside, she was almost asking herself.

He sat up straighter, defying her. "Course not."

"Then read it."

"A shadow that stands back but wants to step out and cover you as you lie there; to take away the sweat from your arms and legs and neck and back. A shadow that wants to protect you but can't touch you. So I only look at you from the shadows." His voice still carried through the room, yet silence had fallen. She could hear her father's words; words that had never been spoken until now. She wondered what her father was seeing, but she knew that it was her mother. She must have been sick. However, the images were so… so… She couldn't even say the word. A shadow. She wondered what it would be like to cover someone like that, so fully and darkly. She closed her eyes, chastising herself, as her father's words continued on. "I prayed for your life. I hadn't prayed since the night Abagail died. I didn't know who to pray to honestly this time. God or the devil."

Katie stood up for a moment, overwhelmed. "Don't tell me… Don't tell me if it's—"

Elijah pressed on, "God failed me last time. But I asked him what I had to do to keep you alive."

Katie sank back down to the ground. "Oh thank God," she exhaled, relieved beyond her imagination.

"And the day when your fever broke, I knew. I knew what it was. I had to stay in the shadows. Love you from there, because I couldn't love you in the light." Her eyes were wide and bright, and as she looked across at him, she saw him swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. Feeling her eyes on him, he gingerly closed the book and placed it between them.

Growing up with him, he had been happy and fulfilled and the kind of man that made her mother blush with a simple word. She had never thought of him as the kind of man to feel ashamed or guilty of falling in love with a woman he had never thought he could have.

When Elijah looked up, his gaze was too much. She looked down at the letters in her trembling hands, trying not to let it get to her. She didn't understand how someone could fall in love with someone from the very beginning. She didn't understand how a man like her father could turn away from his feelings and fall in love while telling himself that it was wrong. He wasn't supposed to feel that way.

"Kathy?" Elijah broke the silence that seemed to grow thicker with each passing second. She didn't look at him, and her fingers gripped the second letter in her mother's bundle.

"He knew from the beginnin', Elijah," she breathed. "He knew he loved her, but he was…he was ashamed." Her eyes flooded with tears, but she turned her head and quickly wiped them away. Her head felt funny, and she leaned forward a little, her hair falling in her face. "I never thought my pa could be ashamed to love her, and it should make sense. It should make perfect sense."

"It should?" She nodded her head.

"He wanted to touch her. He wanted to feel, Elijah. But, he was so…so consumed with grief over losin' his first wife. He couldn't do it. He made vows to her. They were supposed to be together forever, and even after she died, he fought against lettin' himself feel." Elijah wasn't quite sure what to say. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to tell her that people feel things for different reasons and sometimes they don't think they should feel them. Sometimes the entire world is against the way a man loves a woman, and sometimes a man wishes his heart didn't ache for her for his sake…and hers.

"Sometimes people can't do the things they wanna do. Sometimes they think it'll only hurt more than it feels good." Katie looked back down at the envelope in her hands, his words stinging her.

"Maybe. But…"

"Sometimes lettin' yourself feel hurts more than wonderin' if they love you back." She closed her eyes for a moment, only glancing up once to look into his eyes. But, he was looking into the fire, and she could see the flames dancing in his sparkling eyes. She stopped breathing for a moment, when he looked at her. He nodded toward the envelope in her hands. "If you're gonna break a federal law again, you might as well get it over with."

"In a minute," she replied, taking her father's knife into her hands again. She broke the seal easily and placed the knife aside. "There are hundreds of these left…and I already feel as if my parents are complete strangers to me…to each other."

"People change, Kathy," he said softly.

"But…so much?" His hand reached for hers for a moment, before he pulled back. He merely tapped the unfolded paper in her hands.

"Go on, Kathy. Read it." She didn't respond, but she looked down at the paper, gently unfolded it and began to read her mother's words to her father.

"A year ago, I never would have expected that I would be lying on my deathbed, in a dusty old boarding house, with three children worried sick about me. I never thought I would have to rely on anyone, and I've realized that because of you, I'm alive and celebrating the end of a terrible epidemic with my children. But, many lives were lost, and because you took me to the Cheyenne medicine man and convinced him to bring his remedies to our town, I am alive, and many other people are as well. We should all be grateful." She heard Elijah shift slightly, and she looked up from her reading. "What?"

"My ma and pa told me about that. That's when they first met."

"Really?" He nodded.

"Ma paid him to make her a coffin…a real nice one." He shook his head. "He said he wouldn't let her get sick and die." Katie flashed a small smile. "Guess your folks've been lookin' after each other since the beginnin'. Just like mine." She nodded. "Keep goin'."

"You have done so much for me…us this past year. With your help, the town was literally saved from death. Had the Cheyenne remedy not been brought to us, I'm sure I, as well as many others would have died at the hands of that illness. But, more than that, you sat at my bedside until I was well. I wasn't even sure I was going to live, but as I lay there, the only thing I could think of was that I needed to get through this for them. I needed to see their faces again, and I needed to thank you for doing everything you could to save my life. When I opened my eyes and saw you, my body; my heart shuddered with relief." She tensed and nearly put the paper down.

"Kathy…" He knew she wasn't sure if she could continue. "Don't stop."

"These are her words…I don't feel right sayin' them out loud…with…"

"Do ya want me to go?"

"No! You've always been there. There's no reason you shouldn't be here for this." He smiled a little.

"Then keep goin'. Keep goin' 'til the end." With another breath, she exhaled sharply and nodded.

"You were there. You were there. Believe it or not, I felt and can still feel the tingle of your kiss on my forehead. You'll never know I felt it, but I did. I had never slept better than I did after you kissed my forehead and sat back down at my side in the dark. You held my hand. You'll never know I remember that, but I do. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three 

Katie glanced towards the clock on the mantle, realizing that it was still very early. Despite its crumpled state on the bed, her mother's wedding dress still shimmered from the light of the window, seeming to grow more brilliant as the day wore on. She knew it was just her mind playing tricks on her, but it still made her smile. She would be the third woman to wear this dress. It was full of happy memories, those of which she couldn't remember. She had been far too young to remember much from Colleen's wedding, yet she clearly remembered the way her sister had almost glowed as she walked down the aisle. The rest of her memories were distant and gray, but that one remained.

His footsteps echoed up the stairwell, down the hall and into the bedroom, before he finally appeared with a tray carrying two cups of steaming coffee and a steeping kettle.

"I figured this was gonna take awhile. I made a full pot." Katie accepted a cup gratefully, noticing that he had already put in the right amount of sugar for her. Three and a half lumps. He knew her too well sometimes, she thought. "You're just lucky my ma taught me the right way to make coffee."

"You're lucky she was able to teach you anything at all. You always were a stubborn boy."

"I was stubborn?" he asked with a laugh. "Come on, Kathy. I remember you refusin' to wear a party dress on your fifth birthday, 'cause ya wanted to go fishin' instead. Your ma had to fight ya tooth and nail to put it on." Katie took a sip of coffee and placed it back down on the tray between them. "Sure hate to see the struggle you're gonna put up when they try to get ya into that thing." He pointed at the dress, and Katie rolled her eyes.

"I think my weddin' day is a little more important than my fifth birthday party, Elijah," she said quietly, not noticing the way he stared into his coffee cup as she said those words.

"I think it's your turn." Katie looked down at the two opened letters that she had carefully placed aside. The fear of not knowing what she was about to read made her hand tremble, and Elijah noticed. "Maybe we should stop here."

"No. These letters were written for a purpose."

"To be read by you?" Katie sighed and gently opened the third letter.

"Be adventurous, Elijah."

"You're forgettin' that your little adventures usually get me into trouble." She was about to say something smart, but he pointed to the envelope. "Just get on with it, Kathy."

"Don't rush me."

"I ain't rushin'," he replied, seeing the fire in her eyes. "I just want ya to hurry up, so we don't get caught." Katie finally pulled the letter from the envelope and unfolded it. Her eyes adjusted to her mother's careful, deliberate handwriting and cleared her throat.

"Sully," she began, the name catching in her throat. "I faced my mortality in more ways than one. Not only did my life flash before my eyes, when I was trapped by the bear at Luke Silver's house, but also when Mr. McCall left his son in my care. I had never thought I would have children, and taking in Charlotte's was quite a learning experience. But when this helpless infant needed me, I quickly fell in love with the idea of having him in our family. I didn't think his father wanted him. Nobody else would take him, and the only options were to give him to a family who wanted him for work or to send him to an orphanage. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let a little boy who was beginning to feel like a part of the family, be sent away." Katie smiled a little. It was so very much like her mother to want to help out, no matter what other struggles she was faced with.

"I think your ma told us this story before," Elijah said quietly. Katie nodded.

"In some ways, he reminded me of you. I know it sounds silly. He was left without his family. He needed someone to love and to love him back. He needed family. Sully, when I saw you with Brian, I saw the father in you. I imagined the way you would have been with Hanna. I could see the shine in your eyes, when you looked at Mr. McCall's son. I knew the kind of man you were, when you offered to take him in on your own." Katie's eyes scanned over the words again. She wondered how life would have turned out differently had her mother kept the child. She noticed how her mother kept going back to Sully's life before she came along. "Honestly, I could have seen myself taking in this child, despite the fact that it would have considerably limited my time with patients…the few I have. I knew he needed a family who could be there for him all of the time, and I felt a little guilty, because my mind was on expanding my practice, while I was trying to find him a good home." The room grew chilly again, and Elijah added a few pieces of kindling to the fire.

"Is that all?" Katie shook her head.

"When we were trapped together at Mr. Silver's, I wasn't sure I would ever see my family again. I was there with you, and that was a comfort, but I honestly thought for a little while, that we were going to die there. But, you kept me calm. We worked together very well, and we survived. Seeing my life flash before my eyes for two very different reasons was an experience like no other I had ever gone through. But, I see so much in you that I've never seen before. I feel closer to you. I know that giving that child back to Mr. McCall was nothing like the pain you went through losing your Hanna, but I had grown to love that boy. I had to let myself trust that he was in good hands. Then I looked at you, and I knew you knew it was right. I trust you, Sully. I hope you know that. I hope you find your family." She placed the paper down and looked across at Elijah.

"Kathy?"

"It's strange to read this. For all of my life, my ma and pa have been…._It_ for each other. I suppose that knowin' that my ma wanted him to have a family is a good thing. Things could have turned out very differently, Elijah."

"That's true, but they turned out the way they did. You're here. You're happy. You're about the start the rest of your life. They made the right choice at some point or another, don't ya think?"

Katie shifted on the floor, feeling restless again. "But how did they know? These letters confuse me."

Elijah shook his head and stretched out across the rug, looking at his friend affectionately. "Kathy, can't you tell when two people are fallin' in love?" He picked up Sully's book and flipped open the page to where he left off. "Now sit still, stop fidgetin', and listen to the wise one here."

Katie fell to her elbows, catching her chin on her fists as she scoffed saucily, "You?"

"No girl!" He knocked her elbow loose with a soft push, causing her to land in a thud next to him. "Your pa!"

"Ouf!" She grunted, as her hair fell in front of her face. "Do you want me to be black and blue walkin' down the aisle?"

"You certainly would add color to that spankin' white dress!" Elijah laughed, holding up his arms, as he watched her tighten her fists. He caught her hand before she could strike him, and he swiftly pulled her wrists behind her back. She pushed against him, as if she still intended to hit him with the full weight of her body, and he held her still, calming her, as her determined jaw locked. "Hey, hey, hey… You're about to burst, aren't ya? You don't want to hit me. Not me. It's O.K., Kathy. You don't gotta fight so much. You'll know when you need to know."

Slowly, her body relaxed, as she looked into his eyes, and when he felt all the tension release from her body, he let go of her hands. Before he could move away, she wrapped her arms around his neck gratefully, pulling him into a fierce hug. "Read to me, Elijah. Please."

"If ya let go of me, maybe I will." Katie sheepishly pulled away from him and returned to her place by the fire, where she tried to sit as still as she possibly could.

Elijah joined her, eyeing her statuesque attempt, but instead of commenting, he began to read. "Mike," he started, "it's been a strange couple of days for me. It started the night I saw you hold Mike in your arms. When Mr. McCall named him after you, I wanted to call you Michaela. I still haven't though." Katie looked up, frowning. She put her hand over the book and looked into Elijah's eyes.

"How come you never call me Katie?"

He shrugged. "Because everyone else does."

"Why not Katherine?"

"Kathy…" He tried to pull the book back, but she pushed her hand down on top of it.

"Why?"

"It's not important. Let's just read." Elijah pulled the book from under her hand and found his place again. "It seems too intimate, when I'm still standing across the room, watching you rock a Cheyenne baby in your arms, while Brian's swaying in front of my feet. Watching you, it was the first time since Abagail died that I could picture myself being a father again. I can't tell you how that frightened me. Hanna never even opened her eyes, but in that room with singing, guitar playing and you, a little boy with sleepy eyes looked at me, and I lifted him in my arms, and I wasn't afraid anymore." There was fear again. She almost didn't recognize it in her father, because he had always been her hero. She had only seen it once in her young adult life, but even then, his resilience had allowed him to move on and overcome his doubts and weaknesses.

Elijah smirked suddenly, his face turning up in a knowing grin, as he continued, "Turns out, you keep me too much on my toes to be worrying too much like that. For a woman that could hardly ride a horse a few months ago, you sure have a tendency to get yourself in trouble in the most remote places. It's a good thing you listened to me, despite the fact that you didn't trust my judgment at first." Elijah paused and looked up, remembering the previous letter about Dr. Mike's complete trust in Sully and winked at Katie. Katie shook her head. She wasn't sure who got the story right now. Elijah paused, softening, glancing at Katie, as he read the next lines slowly. "But if anything would have happened to you—well, I'm just glad we made it out alright. That you're safe."

Katie smiled, curling down beside the fire, relaxing as she looked into the flames. "I didn't tell you, but I was disappointed when you told me I couldn't take care of the baby by myself." She stiffened, as she heard those words and turned back to Elijah who was watching for her reaction again.

"Go on," Katie pressed.

"I had a little girl. I would have been a good father if she lived. I would have built her a doll house and taught her about the Cheyenne and carried her with me everywhere. I would have given her the world." Elijah stopped, as Katie's eyes dropped. Hanna. Katie had never asked, but she somehow knew that if Hanna had lived, she probably wouldn't be here. Why her? What made her special? She pushed herself to her feet and ran out of the room.

Elijah almost called after her but stopped. He knew too much. So much of her was in these letters, and the words had transcended time and circumstances and people. A few moments passed, and he could hear her slow, steady footsteps returning down the hallway. When she walked in the doorway, she was carrying a hand carved dollhouse in her hands.

"Look," she whispered proudly, her eyes glistening bright in the morning sun. "He was right."

Elijah smiled at her and read the last lines quietly. "But I guess it's better this way. I suppose you were right. Mike is with his real pa. I still have that little boy asleep on my shoulder. And I can still hope, can't I?"


End file.
